Introverted people can find dating hard, or even excruciating. But often, it’s not the dates that are the problem, or the intimacy that results. The issue is more about summoning up the courage to meet strangers and to get out in the world. Shy people tend to have a mental block that makes initial steps like flirting, introducing yourself and body language, very awkward and painful. Getting over that block is crucial, but there are plenty of tips to use if you are determined to do so.
Introverted people often struggle in party environments where the music is loud and you can meet a wide variety of personalities – not all of them as quirky as they are. They also usually have trouble making “small talk” about trivial parts of their lives, which is a problem as for most people, small talk is a vital way to explore whether people are compatible. With that in mind, try to stick to one-on-one dates or encounters where you and your date are face to face. That way, the two of you can focus on each other and listen to what you have to say. There are no other party guests to compete with, and you can choose somewhere peaceful and as intimate as you like.
Many shy people become frustrated when talking to strangers. Partly, that’s because they are more direct and blunt in their conversation, while others talk generally in an attempt to sound out the person they are talking to. Don’t expect an immediate pay off from a flirtation. That’s not the way things work. Try to speak for five to ten minutes, and see if a connection starts to develop. If they are listening to you and asking questions about themselves, you could be in business. If not, don’t be afraid to walk away (politely, of course). That’s part of the dating game, and no-one will mind.
If things just don’t feel right, or your schedule becomes complicated, never be afraid to tell a potential date that the evening is off. We all have weeks where work mounts up and stress rises, and if we are too busy to concentrate, dates tend to go badly. With online dating sites, you can easily inform dates when a meeting isn’t possible, and you can hook up with them later on when the time is right. So don’t just try to pack everything in, even if you aren’t feeling 100 percent. Do the sensible thing and cancel – nobody will mind!
Introverted people usually need some time alone. We all do, in a way, but shy people are more inclined to read or head out hiking alone when they need to replenish their minds and bodies. Sometimes, the stress of the world becomes too much, and an evening in is simply essential. On your dating profile, make it clear who you are.
If you are the kind of person who needs to read for a few hours most evenings, why not include that? There are tactful ways of including that kind of information, and you’ll be amazed by how tolerant people are of a little honesty. Make sure that you set out boundaries with any new partner about your need to personal time. Be honest and open about your personality, and your need to be alone. That way, your partner can fit their social life around your own, and any needless friction is minimised. It just makes things much easier.
Sometimes, it’s easy to take the path of least resistance, right? If conflicts develop within relationships over petty things like paint schemes, gardens or holiday schedules, shy people often beat a retreat and let the dominant partner take over. This leads to all sorts of inter-personal issues further down the line. Relationships are two-way affairs. Each partner needs to respect the other, so don’t shy away from a little argument every now and then (but don’t argue for the sake of it). The key is to make your personal views known, and to compromise based on those views, not to just give up and let your partner take over.
Many people believe that they are destined to be with a certain kind of person. If you aren’t a sociable individual, that person will often reflect that. However, simply going for a fellow introvert is not always the best policy.
Gut instincts can often be wrong, and there is some truth to the old saying that “opposites attract.” Don’t be afraid to date an extrovert if they show interest. They may be seeking a yin to their yang, and a calming influence to keep them balanced, and you might crave the same.
If you are meeting people at parties, it might be easiest to speak to wallflowers who are on the periphery. Usually, these will be introverts too – but don’t seek them out exclusively if you are dating online. The truth is, love is chaotic and unpredictable. There is no predestined “one” for you, so keep your options open.
This one is crucial to anyone who intends to launch an online dating campaign. Even the smoothest operators will experience bad dates with people who will never be compatible with their personality type. Sometimes, this goes as far as bad sexual experiences, and it’s incredibly common. When this happens to you, the worst thing that you could do is to over-react by deleting your profile or locking yourself away from the dating scene. After all, it’s not a personal thing. Dating is just tricky, that’s all. Instead, have a routine to deal with bad dates. Go out with friends, check out a movie or organise a tennis match. Do something to get it out of your head, and build up your confidence for another try.
This last recommendation is fundamental. If you are socially awkward (you’ll be surprised by how many of us there are!) make a point of listening to what your date has to say from the start. Don’t jump in instinctively with a joke, or respond to everything they say with a reference to your own life. Don’t be afraid to ask questions about who they are, how they have found the experience of dating, what they love to do and want to be. That doesn’t mean launching into intrusive lines of questioning like a detective. But it does mean showing curiosity about another person – an extremely attractive trait to display.
Some introverted people aren’t that shy. It’s just that they have never discovered their true sexual passion. Their shyness is actually a kind of boredom, not a key aspect of their character. If this sounds like you, it might be time for some sexual experimentation. You need to find a partner who turns you on and in turn, they should inspire you to be more sociable and gregarious. The two often go together. How often have you noticed a shy friend come out of their shell after finding a new love? When people feel passionately about someone, they can discover new parts of their character that had previously lain dormant. So if you feel introverted, it’s a good idea to broaden your dating horizons. Maybe the women you grew up with aren’t the ones who excite you? In this case, trying interracial dating could be the route to satisfying dates. It could bring out the self confidence that has always been fighting to escape.
Come up with a pre-date plan to set you up perfectly for the big occasion. Before you leave the house, take some time alone to gather your thoughts. Take some deep breaths if it makes you feel relaxed, or do some stretches. Don’t over-exert yourself. Just relax, clear your mind and banish any negative thoughts. Be sure to plan your route thoroughly as well. Have a plan B in mind if the traffic is bad or the trains aren’t running. Nothing is worse than having to run to your date and arriving out of breath, perspiring and late. So don’t let it happen to you. Have a couple of routes up your sleeve. The extra preparation time is well worth it.
Everyone, from the most confident Romeo to the most introverted wallflower is capable of losing themselves in a Twitter feed when they should be focusing their attention solely on their date. It’s often easier to hide behind an iPhone than to maintain eye contact and keep a conversation going. Your date may join you in switching her phone on, but it’s not a sign that you’ve got a shared interest. It’s a sure sign that the date is over. Don’t allow yourself to get to that stage. Keep your phone in your bag. You might not be able to leave it at home (Google Maps could save your life if you can’t find the bar!) but you can keep it out of your eye line.
Dating isn’t easy, we all know that. However, with these tips, it can be made easier. Never despair, and don’t give up. Forget about bad dates and focus on the next meeting, and keep an open mind. The results should be spectacular.
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