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The Big question: Do bearded men do better

The age old questions of beards and sexiness has haunted mankind for as long as anyone can remember. Ancients scrolls record that as Moses descended from Mt. Sinai to decant the latest rules from God, he questioned a nearby peasant boy as to whether or not his beard made him look sexy.

Bearded man embrassed by naked women
There is a real correlation between attractiveness and beardedness

Little has changed in the mind of men since cave man era, with each man still locked in his own individual hell and left to wrestle with the question of whether or not his facial hair makes him look sexy. Luckily, recent scienitfic studies, undoubtedly funded by less-than-clean shaven moneymen, have something to say on the matter.

In an ever growing dating pool, it helps you to stand out

Recent studies have found that beards can operate in a similar fashion to ornamentation practices among other primates. The more numerous and multi-layered the social structure of primates becomes, the more they fall back on ornamentation and 'badges' to help them stand out.

The modern human dating pool, which now includes the expansive and often-times wholly superficial world of online dating (Tinder, I'm looking at you here), has become such a structure. Along with jewelry and tattoos, beards can serve the function of ornamentation that helps one stand out.

Unless you look like Brad Pitt. But if you look like Brad Pitt, why are you using dating guides? Why are you dating at all? Why aren't you in Hollywood surrounded by women instead of squandering your potential reading about beards. Honestly, I'm disappointed in you.

Bearded man with beautiful woman about to make out
Women fantasize about rough sex with a lumberjack

Forget actual reality, focus on her reality

One common assumption among men is that beards indicate high level's of testosterone, thus indicating to a woman your suitability as a mate. Unfortunately, there is no scientific data to back up this assumption. Fortunately, the age old adage of 'what she doesn't know could benefit me greatly' holds true here (isn't that how it one goes?). Anyway, what studies have shown is that, regardless of whether or not it is true, women still perceive men with beards as having higher testosterone. So whether you've got the chemical goods or not doesn’t seem to make a difference to how highly attractively (and crazy) beards make you look to a woman.

But if it's true, what length

As every bearded man knows, trimming that oh-so-precious face fur can be a bit like a scene from Mission Impossible; one wrong move and you're a scientologist. Wait, scratch that last line for legal reasons. I meant to say, one wrong move and you've got a laser/razor-induced bald patch that won't be gone for a couple of weeks. For this reason, how much and where to trim is an issue of life-and-death importance. Well, not really life and death importance if I'm being honest but you should still pay attention here. So the correct answer is, (drumroll), light stubble to light beard. Why? We don't know. It just is. Science, yeah?

If that doesn't convince you, here are some additional benefits

If you haven't been convinced by the hard science then how about the non-science. Several unnamed sources report that beard-wearers remind women of beard-wearing Hollywood gods such as Jake Gyllenhall and Tom Hardy up to 60% more than non-beard wearing men do. The uncited study goes on to point out that there is a 90% increase in comparisons to actual gods such as Zeus and Poseidon. So, whether she fantasizes about having her panties around her ankles and her lips around your cock in an L.A penthouse, or in a Mt. Olympus temple, you're better off with the beard than without it.

An aid to role-play

Women report role playing fantasies such as rough sex with a lumberjack, going down on a caveman and getting anal from a astronaut as numbering among their favorites.

Bearded red-hair man
Beard-wearers remind women of gods such as Zeus and Poseidon

Now, you can't really play the part without the right face-rug can you. Admittedly, it's not necessary to have a beard in order to play the part of an astronaut but it is undoubtedly the case that it would add depth and a certain ruggedness to your character. I mean, think about it; what's sexier than an astronaut with a hidden and mysterious past as a lumberjack. Layers, people, layers!

It's the most sanitary way to mash lips

Contrary to popular opinion, beards are actually being revealed as the cleaner option. A recent medical study found that the faces of bearded doctors contained a fraction of the bacteria present on clean-shaven doctors. This wisdom has been present in the chef world for sometime but has only recently been backed up by empirical data. So, aside from the occasional soup or melted cheese related incident, beards are proving to be the safest and cleanest way for women to get a bit of Frenching in. How's that for an opening line? Also, there is nothing sexier to a woman than a soggy beard wipe after a long and satisfying rug-munching session!

So, in conclusion, Yaay science!...And Beards

So it would seem that there is a strong, scientific correlation between attractiveness and beardedness. Now, if you are one of the lucky few already awash with pussy as far as the eye can see just on the basis of the attractiveness that you already possess than good for you. And go fuck yourself. For the rest of us mere mortals, know that a little beard can go a long way.

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Image sourcesImage 1 - tverdohlibImage 2 - eugenepartyzanImage 3 - ave_mario